If you’ve ever been in a situation where everything feels amazing when you’re with a woman—but confusing, distant, or even painful when you’re apart—you might be dating someone with an avoidant attachment style. In this post, I want to share everything you need to know about how to date an AVOIDANT woman, based on my own experience, real conversations with friends, and years of reading and reflection. It’s raw, honest, and might be uncomfortable in parts—but this is the stuff no one else tells you.
This article is a companion to my YouTube video on the same topic. Make sure to watch that for the full breakdown.
👉 You might also like: Integrate Your Shadow – Or You’ll End Up Dating It – a post where I reference Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt, which ties into many of the concepts discussed here.
Why Dating an Avoidant Woman Feels So Confusing
At first, it feels electric. The time together is intense, connected, intimate. She’s fully present, emotionally engaging, affectionate even. You think you’re building something meaningful.
But then comes the silence.
Days or weeks go by with little or no communication. Your gut tells you something’s off. You’re wondering, Did I say something wrong? Did she lose interest? But here’s the kicker—she probably didn’t.
Avoidant women want love, but they fear it at the same time. The more connected they feel, the more they subconsciously pull away. They’ve learned somewhere in their past that closeness equals danger. So after closeness comes distance—it’s part of their emotional survival pattern.
This creates the infamous push-pull dynamic—affection followed by silence, connection followed by retreat.
What is an Avoidant Attachment Style?
Avoidants are usually fiercely independent. They pride themselves on not needing anyone. They often live alone, manage their own schedules, and protect their emotional world at all costs.
They avoid the past (because it’s painful) and don’t think much about the future (because it demands commitment). Instead, they live in the present—and that’s one of their most magnetic traits. When you’re with them, it feels like nothing else exists.
But this emotional compartmentalisation has a price. Any attempt at emotional intimacy, planning ahead, or having “the talk” can feel like pressure to them. And pressure equals fear. Fear equals distance.
You can’t use the usual “alpha male, don’t text too much, let her chase you” playbook here. Avoidants don’t chase. They retreat.
At the extreme end, avoidance can turn into narcissism. And although extreme avoidant men often resemble the grandiose narcissist (they act as if they are superior in public), extreme avoidant women appear more like the covert or vulnerable narcissist. This is why they appear introverted, shy, avoid large groups and are very conflict avoidant. Understanding this dynamic can help you to spot the signs of an extremely avoidant woman.
Remember, avoidant people are not like narcissists, they aren’t out to hurt anyone. Just like very anxious people have distinctive personality traits, avoidant people too use coping behaviours to navigate relationships.
How an Avoidant Woman Shows Love (Hint: It’s Not How You Think)
Avoidant women rarely say “I love you”—even in long-term relationships. So don’t expect love letters or grand gestures. You might be with her for years and hear those words once or twice, if ever. And if she does, it will likely be at the start.
But if she chooses to give you her time, that’s her way of saying she cares.
Since avoidant women are often introverted, they are private, and picky about who they spend time with. If she’s spending time with you—that’s massive. She may be affectionate in private, yet distant in public. That’s not about you—it’s about fear of judgment and emotional exposure.
This is where emotional intelligence becomes critical. You have to read between the lines—because she won’t always tell you what she feels, and she definitely won’t tell you when she’s hurt. More on that shortly.
The Ledger of Resentment: Conflict Avoidance and the Silent Discard
One of the most dangerous dynamics when considering how to date an avoidant woman is to understand her relationship with conflict. She hates conflict and will avoids it at all costs. And because of that, she doesn’t tell you when you’ve hurt her.
Instead, she keeps score—silently.
This is what I call “the resentment ledger.” Every time you say something that stings, every slight she doesn’t mention—she logs it. You’ll never see this ledger. She’ll act like everything is fine.
Until one day… she cuts you off. Completely. No warning, no conversation. Just discarded—blindsided, ghosted, gone. You won’t even see it coming. It’s brutal, and it’s real.
The only way to avoid this fate? Never criticise her directly. Learn to read the signs. Create emotional safety. And if something is wrong, approach it with emotional tact—not confrontation.
How to Date an AVOIDANT Woman (and Stay Sane)
Dating an avoidant woman isn’t for the emotionally immature. It requires unshakeable emotional self-control. If you’re naturally anxious or crave constant reassurance, this dynamic might drive you insane.
Here’s what you must do differently:
1. Know What You’re Dealing With
Educate yourself on avoidant attachment. Recognise the signs. Stop thinking she’s “just not that into you”—because that’s not what this is.
2. Don’t Play the Usual Game
The “be aloof, let her chase” method won’t work. She won’t chase. She’ll disappear. At the same time, don’t chase her either—or you’ll trigger her fear. I make the reference in my video about guys who fail this when they try to “out masculine her” by pulling back even more. This often leads to these guys failing and caving in, especially with an extremely avoidant women, who can certainly play the stand off game for much longer than most guys. If you try this and haven’t got the stomach for it, she will quickly turn you into an anxious little weakling.
3. Communicate Logistically, Not Emotionally
If you are considering how to date an avoidant woman and want to move the relationship forward? Don’t talk about feelings. Talk logistics. Frequency of seeing each other. Travel arrangements. Avoidants find this safe—it’s non-threatening.
4. Be Willing to Walk
If months (or years) go by and things never progress, respect your time. Have the guts to say, “Here’s what I want. Is this going anywhere?” Be ready for whatever comes next. See below for further information on when you reached your limit.
The Dangerous Flip: When You Become the Anxious One
This is a key point: Avoidants can make even secure or confident men feel anxious.
Because you’re constantly guessing. You’re off balance. You’re stuck in ambiguity. And over time, you might start chasing, over-texting, or obsessing.
Avoidants can activate your wounds. They can trigger a co-dependent spiral—especially if you’re hoping to “fix” her or win her over with your love.
Don’t fall into this trap. Your worth isn’t measured by whether she changes.
Why You Might Be Attracting Avoidants
In Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix talks about the Imago match—how we’re drawn to people who reflect our missing emotional pieces.
If you’re outgoing, emotionally open, or socially confident, you might be drawn to an avoidant because she’s reserved, composed, mysterious. You want to “break through.” But that’s your shadow talking.
I go deeper into this in my blog on shadow work and dating. You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you need to heal.
Pros and Cons of Dating an Avoidant Woman
Pros
✅ Deep presence – when you’re together, it’s real.
✅ Loyalty – many avoidant women aren’t chasing attention. They’re private and discreet.
✅ Space – if you like independence, she won’t smother you.
✅ Affectionate in private – some avoidants are incredibly warm behind closed doors.
Cons
🚫 Emotional distance – you may feel like something’s always missing.
🚫 Loneliness – the space might suit her, but it could hurt you.
🚫 Sudden discard – if the resentment ledger builds up, you’re gone. No conversation.
🚫 Slow (or zero) relationship progress – don’t expect her to lead things forward.
Long-Distance Dynamics
Avoidant women often thrive in long-distance relationships. Why? Space is built-in. You meet occasionally, then go back to your own lives. It protects them from feeling overwhelmed or smothered.
Society has lead us to believe that we should all get shacked up and live together. But solitude isn’t all that bad. Living alone and only seeing each other periodically in a long distance relationship can be very rewarding if you can handle the situation. The times you spend together tend to be more intense and can take the form of ‘exciting mini holidays‘ over a few days. This is perfect if you both have a busy professional lives and you both enjoy living alone.
Long distance relationships don’t suffer from the normal daily grind of a more closer relationships, so there are no domestic challenges that can occur when you live with someone. The downside is that these challenges are not tested naturally and if you do end up living together in the future, this can often become too much and be the end of what was once a great relationship.
But for you? That space can be maddening. You have to decide: Does this work for me long-term?
Should You Ever Date an Avoidant?
That’s up to you. But here’s the truth:
- If you want deep, consistent intimacy, probably not.
- If you’re emotionally resilient, highly independent, and okay with ambiguity, it might work.
But don’t kid yourself. If you want to know how to date an avoidant woman successfully, don’t stay hoping she’ll change. If you can’t love her as she is, you should consider walking away.
What to do if You Reach Your Limit
It is my belief that the best way to move a relationship forward is if the guy let’s the woman do it. A guy should not chase the relationship in 90% of cases. He should just focus on arranging the dates and having a good time and create the next opportunity for them both. The problem is that an avoidant girl may not move the relationship beyond a non-committal, surface level “situationship.” But everyone has there limits, even the hardest of hardcore alpha bad boys.
If you have been dating your avoidant girl for a long time and the relationship hasn’t progressed and it feels like groundhog day. If this is the case, you will eventually hit your limit and feel the urge to move it on for her.
If you hit your limit and you feel as if you have had enough, you have three choices:
- Take action and do or say something that will move it forward
- Keep tolerating things as they are
- Walk away
Continuing to tolerate the situation as it is may seem like the easiest option as it is non-confrontational. But this is the weakest option in my opinion as you would not be acting true to yourself and it would not be what you want. Walking away is just that. It may work, but the option is to say something to communicate the changes that you wish to see.
What Action to Take
I would suggest avoiding saying anything that could be interpreted as chasing the relationship. As I have stated above, avoid talking about the relationship or your feelings and instead talk logistics, such as how often you see each other. Ask her how she feels about the frequency of date. Or discuss travel arrangements. Avoidants find this safe and non-threatening as it is not talking about the relationship directly. It is still chasing, but its chasing the experience rather than emotions. This is much safer for her.
Understand that if you choose to take action, then there is a risk that you could loose her. It takes a lot of guts to rock the boat if you like this girl. But if you have had enough then it is worth the risk. After you have had the conversation, your next step should be to step back and give her time to respond.
Now that you’ve pulled back, watch for her behaviour. It may take her a couple of weeks or so to reengage with you, but you may be pleasantly surprised when she does.
What if She Doesn’t Respond as You Had Hoped?
If she hasn’t initiated for a number of weeks, then this could be another clear sign of where her priorities lie. By this point you may have realised that, on some level, you’ve already recognised that this relationship doesn’t fulfil you fully.
So, the real question is: What do you want?
- If you just want to continue the surface-level, non-committal setup, then you could wait for her to reach out again (which she likely will, eventually).
- If you want something deeper and more consistent, this relationship probably isn’t going to deliver. In that case, your natural inclination to move on seems like the best choice.
Since you already know the dating psychology from researching it and also reading this article, you understand that people vote with their actions, not just their words. If she’s prioritizing her career and emotional distance, and you’re naturally moving in a different direction by stepping back, then you have to decide what you want next.
Choose one of two options:
You are ok with the situation
Maybe you are ok with taking a step back and allowing her the space and time to come back to you. If this is true, then I have a lot of respect for you as this is not easy and takes a tremendous amount of emotional self control—especially if you really care about this person. Your action: step back and wait for her until she does or until you are not ok.
You are not ok the situation
If you are not ok with the lack of contact in this situation and have reached your end, then you probably want more than what this setup offers, I’d say follow your instinct—step back fully and create space for something more fulfilling. The test is simple: If she reaches out and shows real effort to see you or progress things, you’ll know she cares to keep it going. If she doesn’t, you have your answer. Either way, you win.
Like many situations when it comes to dating, the two options above actually share the same solution—you do nothing from here. The difference is if you hold space for this person or not. In my opinion, you shouldn’t consciously wait for anyone to come back to you. Life is too short. If you find it hard to move on, understand the reality that from here you have to do nothing at this stage, and take your time before you decide to move on.
Final Word: Loving Without Attachment
The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh said: “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
That’s what dating an avoidant woman demands. Loving without clinging. Being there without needing. Strong boundaries. Emotional maturity. And the courage to walk away when needed.
If you’re on this path, I salute you. It’s not easy—but it can be incredibly rewarding if you’re the right match.
📺 Watch the video: Dating an AVOIDANT Woman? What You NEED to Know!
📘 Explore my reading list for deeper insight: Reading List for Personal Growth
Got questions or want to share your experience? Hit me up via the links on my main blog page. I’m not a relationship coach—but I’ve lived this, and I’m always open to real talk.