Still fresh in my mind from a sunny walk around Fisherman’s Bastion in Budapest, this idea came out of conversations I had with a couple of mates—both of them stressing over their dating lives like it’s some sort of KPI that needs to be hit by Q2. But here’s the truth: if you’re not where you want to be in life, dating shouldn’t be your main objective. So I told them to treat dating like an experiment.
Treat Your Dating Life Like an Experiment
That might sound counterintuitive—especially when the world is constantly nudging us to settle down, partner up, and define success by our relationships. But it’s worth asking: what if dating wasn’t the goal, but the feedback?
Your dating life, like an MOT, reflects your current state. If you’re not living the life you want yet—career, health, confidence, finances—then the results you get from dating will only mirror that. If you are fine with the results that you are getting there is nothing wrong with that, but I am assuming that since you are reading this post, you would maybe want more from life.
Trying to force a relationship when you’re still building yourself is like painting over cracks in a wall. Why not treat your dating life like an experiment instead? Downgrade the importance of it and to put your efforts on building inherent value. Just be in the moment and have fun in dating rather than taking it too seriously. As you are about to level up. See how the world responds to the person you’re becoming. Adjust. Refine. Improve.
Therefore getting into a growth mindset and understanding that it is possible to get better results, then you will be able to know that the future could be better for you. With this in mind, don’t take dating too seriously and enjoy the ride. Although this post is based on conversations with guys, the principles are the same if you are a man or a woman.
Stop Making Dating a Primary Goal
If you pour energy into dating while you’re still building your life’s foundation, you’ll likely attract people who match where you are now—not where you want to be. And that can lead to a lot of frustration.
Let’s be real: dating becomes a distraction when it takes focus away from the long game—your personal growth, career, passions, and health.
Instead of chasing outcomes, experiment with interactions. Use every date, every conversation, as feedback. Are you attracting the people you want? If not, that’s data. Work on levelling up before you invest deeply in anyone else.
It’s Not About Game – It’s About Inherent Value
This reminded me of something I told my brother. Great lad, hilarious, and brilliant with women on nights out. But he’s not got much built in terms of life structure—no real career, no long-term stability.
And while he can meet people, they never stick around. Why? Because there’s no inherent value underneath the charm.
Here’s a simple breakdown I shared with him:
- Good game, no inherent value → you might pull an 8, but it won’t last more than a couple weeks.
- No game, loads of inherent value → a “faithful 2” in a sexless marriage! You’ll still attract someone loyal, even if you’re a bit awkward.
- Game and inherent value? Now we’re talking options and long-term quality.
So if you’re not where you want to be, start with building that inherent value. The rest will follow.
Related: Mark Manson’s Models – Probably the Best Dating Book
Let Go – and Let Results Improve Naturally
Here’s the paradox: the less importance you place on dating, the better you get at it. Once you stop treating it like the holy grail and start treating it like an experiment, the tension drops. You stop over-investing, start being more playful, and ironically—you become more attractive.
It’s not about becoming someone you’re not. It’s about becoming someone so aligned with your own path that the right people naturally gravitate toward you.
Related: Don’t Let Others Dictate Your Goals
So next time you’re stressing over dates, matches, or wondering where your person is—remember this:
👉 Treat dating like an experiment.
👉 Use it as feedback.
👉 Focus on building yourself first.
Because the right connection won’t complete you—they’ll complement the version of you that’s already complete.
