📍 This post was inspired by a conversation recorded at the stunning Lago di Tenno, nestled in the hills above Riva del Garda, Italy. Watch the full video here: YouTube: Integrate Your Shadow
“Integrate your shadow or you’ll end up dating it.”
That line, originally posted by my friend Chris, hit me hard. Not just because it’s catchy, but because it’s true. I’d even argue we’re all already doing this in one way or another.
If you think about what the “shadow” really is, it’s the part of you you’re hiding. The part you’re afraid of. It’s your missing pieces. And here’s where it gets interesting — those pieces don’t stay hidden. They often show up in our relationships, projected onto the people we’re drawn to.
What Is the Shadow, Really?
In Jungian psychology, the “shadow” refers to all the parts of ourselves we repress or deny. Traits we judge, ignore, or fear — things we’ve learned to hide in order to be loved or accepted.
And when we haven’t integrated our shadow, we’re more likely to seek it out in others — often subconsciously.
That’s where dating comes in.
The Imago Match: You Date What You’re Missing
In Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, there’s a concept called the Imago match (Imago meaning “image” in Latin). It suggests we’re naturally attracted to people who embody the traits we lack.
This plays out clearly in attachment theory. You’ve got:
- Anxious types – Crave love, intimacy, and reassurance
- Avoidant types – Crave love too, but fear intimacy and tend to withdraw
- Secure types – Emotionally balanced and comfortable with closeness
- Disorganised types – A confusing mix of anxious and avoidant
Anxious people often end up with avoidants. It’s what some call the anxious-avoidant trap — one chases, the other retreats. It’s a toxic dance of unmet needs that stems from childhood wounds.
What’s fascinating about the Imago match is that we unconsciously seek out partners with traits that mirror what we lack or suppressed — our own shadow.
So if you’re anxious, you might date someone avoidant because their distance and calm represent the self-sufficiency you wish you had. If you’re avoidant, you might be drawn to someone anxious because they express love and emotion in ways you don’t feel safe doing.
You’re trying to complete yourself through the other person.
Integrate Your Shadow (Or Keep Dating It)
You can’t escape this dynamic by just reading theory or even doing inner work in isolation. The Imago theory suggests we’re meant to heal in relationship — not before it.
That means learning from your partner, modelling the traits you fear or lack, and gradually pulling yourself toward the middle. Practising emotional regulation, communication, giving space, or being vulnerable — depending on which side of the attachment spectrum you’re on.
And this process is uncomfortable. Especially for avoidants, who find emotional closeness repulsive and threatening. But if they don’t lean in, they’ll keep finding themselves in relationships that trigger their deepest fears — or worse, emotionally empty ones.
Subheading: Why You Must Integrate Your Shadow
Integrate your shadow because if you don’t, your romantic life becomes a revolving door of projection. You’ll keep dating mirrors of your unresolved inner world.
This isn’t just about dating either. It’s about maturing emotionally, becoming whole, and building secure, connected relationships.
You might think you’ve got it all sorted. But no one is 100% secure. We’re all somewhere on that spectrum — moving toward or away from the centre depending on our experiences and self-awareness.
In Getting the Love You Want, Hendrix writes:
“The unconscious is trying to resurrect the past… not out of habit, but from a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds.”
So if you’ve ever wondered why you keep dating the same “type,” this is likely why. You’re trying to resolve unfinished emotional business through others.
A Note on Polarity in Relationships
Here’s my own take: in a heterosexual dynamic, I believe it works best when both partners are close to secure, but with slight polarity. The man slightly more avoidant, the woman slightly more anxious.
Why? Because a touch of avoidance in men often presents as confidence and leadership — masculine traits. A bit of anxiousness in women shows up as emotional expressiveness and warmth — feminine traits. When both are within the secure range, that polarity feels natural, rather than dysfunctional.
But if it goes too far, you’re back in the anxious-avoidant trap. So it’s about finding balance.
Final Thoughts
Integrate your shadow. Seriously.
You’re already dating it. And you always will, in some form — unless you start owning those lost parts of yourself.
So reflect on your patterns. Where are you on the spectrum? How have your partners mirrored your wounds? And more importantly — how can you start bringing those hidden parts of yourself into the light?
Because that’s where real transformation happens.
🎥 Related Videos You Might Like:
- Mark Manson’s Models – Probably the Best Dating Book
- Why You Should Consider Marriage in 2024
- The Psychology Behind Playing Subterfuge on First Dates
- Chris & Andy LIVE: Attraction (Part 1)
💬 Let me know in the comments — where do you see yourself in terms of attachment? Have you noticed a shift over the years?
🧠 And remember: integrate your shadow, or you’ll keep meeting it in the people you date.
